The What

I lied, this isn’t a goddamned conversation, there’s no commenting on this blog. You’re going to listen to why the title recruiter is another way of saying “demon from the really lame Dante’s Inferno level, where you waste time for all eternity”. There are exceptions of course, see the section entitled The Exceptions.

The Why

I have been hurt by recruiters, but that’s not what makes them such a wonderful target. What does that, is if they do their job correctly, at best they have made us spend more time unemployed, and have taken a bit of our salaries. That’s the best scenario, but let me anecodote you some not as good scenarios. Let me tell you about a person we will call Jerry, Jerry works @vertek, Jerry tanked a job for me, because during the interview with the actual company I would have been working for, they asked me if I could work on retainer. This would have actually been a lottery winning moment for me, I had just gotten out of a very stressful contract, and relaxed hours sounded great. So I said I did not have a problem with that. Afterwards when I told Jerry, he cut off communication with me, tried to negotiate away from retainer, and tanked the job. I guess he didn’t have a preconfigured payment system for retainer. A recruiter who met me at the location, to introduce me to their client (and recognize that you are not their client, their client is the one that pays, it’s the company, you are their product and they have nothing to do with your creation or storage. Convenient for them.) Later the recruiter would tell me I should have been properly dressed. Apparently I needed a suit jacket…it was 90 degrees that day. I’ve had a recruiting agency, try to get me a contract, at a place where I just finished a contract. They had a policy in which contractors could only be hired for a year. But this agency apparently didn’t keep any records, about the jobs they had gotten me. I’ve had recruiters, who over my long career, I had met twice, some times even three times who didn’t recognize me. This is the thing they’re supposed to be good for. They’re supposed to have people skills. Once a week someone calls me and wants to submit me for an Azure job. I haven’t touched windows since Vista, give me a break. I have 100 more recruiter hate stories but let’s move on.

No but Really Why

They take up 80% of my time and get me 0% of my jobs.

The Exceptions

Of course recruiters who are employed by the company your interviewing for, are exceptions. I also haven’t had negative experiences with smaller firms, or independent recruiters. I think there is something to be said about not sitting in an office with 20 other monsters also doing monsterous things. And by that note I would like to say OneInAMil treated me very well, the way they sell their services doesn’t lean as hard on the recruitee either. Independent recruiters, seem to value the relationship between both sides of the aisle in a much more healthy way.

What to Do

The least you can do is not use these overly attractive, under qualified, speed bumps. Or you could start doing what I do, which is follow up with all of them, if they ask you for an in person interview, just for their agencies benefit…schedule it and don’t show up. Oh don’t worry, they’ll keep calling you. I’ve done it three times to the same agency. But my favorite thing to do is to follow through on all of it, ace the in person interview, get the job offer. Then when they ask you to agree to the contract…wouldn’t you know it..something came up. You got another job. Oh and if you feel like your people skills aren’t good enough to get a job, read Dale Carnigie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People”.

Purple Squirrels Unite

In recruiting, a perfect candidate for a given job is called a purple squirrel. Because as they would say, it’s as hard as finding a purple squirrel. But the thing is, they’re idiots. Purple squirrels do exist. We just don’t call them that because that’s racist. They’re called Indian Giant Squirrels.

Purple squirrels exist, and if you’re in the tech industry, and you’ve ever laughed at one of the jokes on this blog, you probably are one. So don’t let these racist “Slow Children At Play” signs trip you up.

Pictured: Recruiter

The Who

My name is @bsdpunk, and I sleep like a goddamn baby. Come at me, bro.