I am an Expert

Let’s establish the parameters of what makes me an expert on not getting an elite job with a tech company. I have interviewed for an SRE(Site Reliability Engineer) role, at both Google and facebook, and failed to achieve those positions. Last month I interviewed for an SRE for one of the top 25 most visited sites, and also failed to achieve that position. Why on September 13th I didn’t even bother to respond to this Vimeo voice mail visual voicemail

I am the Michael Jordan, of not achieving an engineering position with elite Silicon Valley tech companies. Now your thinking, well you must not be good at what you do. Oh contraire, I am. In some of these interviews, I have passed the coding part, and in some the operations part. And in some none or all.

Well if you’re so good, you must be a psychopath or have crazy videos floating around.

Well, yeah. Sphere once sent me an application for a go developer position, that requested I send back an essay that discussed how I met their core values. One of those values, was informalness so instead of an essay I sent a sound file explaining I was informal, drunk, and shirtless. They actually advanced me on to the next round, but my code wasn’t up to snuff. They didn’t like my go CRUD application, getFilthy alt text

Also I routinely answer personality questions strangely:

If you had a theme song, that played when you entered a room what would it be: “Creep” audible exhale “You know by Radiohead” “I know”

Tell me a joke: “What’s big red and eats rocks” “What?” “A big red rock eater” “…I don’t know what to do with that”

Can you give me an example of bad customer service: “Comcast, they’re the worst, they banned me for two years” “Umm…for what” “Oh just to much upload, they emailed my Comcast address as an alert but I don’t check that so they just banned me” “Oh my, so what did you use for internet” “My neighbors” “Oh well good thing they didn’t use encryption” “Oh, no. It’s encrypted”

Would I change any of it, if I could? OF COURSE I WOULD, I DON’T CHOOSE TO BE THIS WAY.

It’s an honor just to be interviewed.

Repetitions for the fetal position.